Luna's Landing

Another day, another lesson learned


1 Comment

5 Years: What I have Learned

On Valentines Day my husband and I will have been married for 5 years!

On that same day we will have been together for 9 years, nearly a decade….

Jason and Darcy

So here is what I have learned so far:

1. Compromises are crap. I shouldn’t have to give up on my beliefs, values, or wants in my relationship, and neither should   my partner. Instead, if we disagree I should ask him why, understand his point, and he should do the same. Together we should find a solution that works for both of us. Yes, sometimes we have to compromise, but that is never our goal.

2. Your partner should not be your best friend. This sounds terrible right? Its not. In today’s relationships we expect too much from our spouses. They have to be our intimate partner, our best friend, our caregiver, our therapist. This is too much to ask for from one person. My partner plays many roles for my family and I, and my best friend plays different roles for us, and I like it that way. Want another opinion on this? Click here!

3. Do not compare your marriage to others. I learned this from a good friend. This friend is a transgender woman, married to another wwedding2oman. They are the epiphany of different, and yet they are the most loving, most caring and beautiful couple I have ever met. My marriage is my own. We are different, we go through different stages at different times, and we happy that way. We do not own a home, we do not have a ton of married friends, we do not go on date nights once a week. We do what we think is right at the right times, and that is ok!!

4. Stop mind reading. Or at least stop pretending that you can. You do not know anyone in the world well enough to read their mind. When you are in an argument, or any tense situation, do not assume that you know what they are thinking. Instead, do this simple thing called asking. Communication is key, we all know it, but we don’t do it. Ask what they think, how they feel, and why they feel this way. Listen. Put yourself in their position, and then reconsider attacking back. This doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings, it is just acknowledging that they do.

5. Get naked when you are arguing. Seriously. Try it. Life Changing. Here are some more tips on arguing effectively.

6. The loss of passion does not equal the loss of compassion. Passion dies out. Many people do not want to believe this. But it does, and that is ok! You may go a while with no passion, and then you have a spike in your marriage filled with passion, then again maybe you don’t. One thing to remember is that you still have compassion for each other. You still care for them, you still love them, but you are freed from they anxiety that comes with the thought of separation from your partner. Its a beautiful thing really!

While 5 years has nothing on 25 or 30 years, I have still learned a lot! Here is to another 5 years of craziness!

wedding

OH YEA!

Advertisements


Leave a comment

A different kind of post…

This post is different for me, but it seems like a good time to post it. 

I recently had to have a talk with a good friend about the way she has been acting lately. This friend has been my best friend since grade school, and I see her more as a sister than friend. She is fun, creative, caring, and the most trustworthy person I know. She understands me like no one else, and is always by my side. 

Lately she has not been herself. She is angry, cranky, and pretty naggy. Her husband, my husband, and myself have been having to watch what we say around her in order to not upset her. This is not like her. 

I could see her giving up. She was angry with life,  bitter about how things are turning out. 

I’ve seen this before…… In myself. 

The thing is, sometimes things are hard. Not everything turns out like we expect it to. Life throws us lemons, so to speak. The light at the end of the tunnel sometimes turns off. 

Image

Lumos

In Harry Potter, Dumbledore says “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Being a big Harry Potter fan, I had always known this quote, but it took a dark time for me to understand what this really means. 

When times are hard, when we feel like we have nothing more to live for, when we give up, we are surrounded by darkness. We forget that there is supposed to be a light at the end of said tunnel. 

We have to turn the light on ourselves. 

Sometimes this takes a friend. In my friends case, she was sitting in the dark, giving up. She felt that she made too many mistakes, she was in over her head, and that she was going to be stuck where she was for the rest of her life, equating in life being miserable. 

This misery makes us angry, bitter, and sad….. very sad. 

How do we turn on the light??? 

I dont know if I have the answer, but I do have thoughts based on my own experience. 

Find something that you want to work toward. This could be going back to school, working hard to straighten out your finances, anything. Find something that is hard, something that challenges you, something that makes you work for it. The harder you work, the more accomplished you feel at the end. 

Do something to define yourself. Be different, even from your friends. Join roller derby, yoga, start writing, exercising, etc. 

Doing these things makes a light. If you continue the misery you are in, if you give up, you will sit in the dark forever. Change something, work toward something, find something to make you unique. This creates something for you to look forward to (the light). 

So as cheesy as it may seem, remember that “happiness CAN be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remember to turn on the light” -Dumbledore