On Valentines Day my husband and I will have been married for 5 years!
On that same day we will have been together for 9 years, nearly a decade….
So here is what I have learned so far:
1. Compromises are crap. I shouldn’t have to give up on my beliefs, values, or wants in my relationship, and neither should my partner. Instead, if we disagree I should ask him why, understand his point, and he should do the same. Together we should find a solution that works for both of us. Yes, sometimes we have to compromise, but that is never our goal.
2. Your partner should not be your best friend. This sounds terrible right? Its not. In today’s relationships we expect too much from our spouses. They have to be our intimate partner, our best friend, our caregiver, our therapist. This is too much to ask for from one person. My partner plays many roles for my family and I, and my best friend plays different roles for us, and I like it that way. Want another opinion on this? Click here!
3. Do not compare your marriage to others. I learned this from a good friend. This friend is a transgender woman, married to another woman. They are the epiphany of different, and yet they are the most loving, most caring and beautiful couple I have ever met. My marriage is my own. We are different, we go through different stages at different times, and we happy that way. We do not own a home, we do not have a ton of married friends, we do not go on date nights once a week. We do what we think is right at the right times, and that is ok!!
4. Stop mind reading. Or at least stop pretending that you can. You do not know anyone in the world well enough to read their mind. When you are in an argument, or any tense situation, do not assume that you know what they are thinking. Instead, do this simple thing called asking. Communication is key, we all know it, but we don’t do it. Ask what they think, how they feel, and why they feel this way. Listen. Put yourself in their position, and then reconsider attacking back. This doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings, it is just acknowledging that they do.
5. Get naked when you are arguing. Seriously. Try it. Life Changing. Here are some more tips on arguing effectively.
6. The loss of passion does not equal the loss of compassion. Passion dies out. Many people do not want to believe this. But it does, and that is ok! You may go a while with no passion, and then you have a spike in your marriage filled with passion, then again maybe you don’t. One thing to remember is that you still have compassion for each other. You still care for them, you still love them, but you are freed from they anxiety that comes with the thought of separation from your partner. Its a beautiful thing really!
While 5 years has nothing on 25 or 30 years, I have still learned a lot! Here is to another 5 years of craziness!